A knock on the door, opening it I see The ward clerk, never would I have suspected it to be for me.
A quick smile and glance away, no he is still there, I ask are you looking for someone? A smile and yes the Bishop would like to see you. Thats it my heart started to race, a new calling, being released, temple prep, what. No he would like you to give a talk,
I swear I was going to throw up right then and there!!
I havent given a talk since primary. What were they thinking!! They must have the wrong person, they have no Idea what a mistake this is. I will talk to fast like a rabbit on speed, what if my face is so red, what if I stumble or freeze. What if the unthinkable, unspeakable horror happens.....what if I start to.......CRY!!
Now for those of you who dont know for me to stand up in public and speak, let alone in front of people I dont really know, who are so much smarter, spiritual, confident that me. Is the ultiamte fear, I can't talk infront of people, I'm not smart enough, knowledgeable enough, my face goes red, I want to throw up, my heart tries to fly out of my chest. I feel paralyzed!
That left me with the same feeling of standing 25 feet in the air, no way back only forward on these waving ropes to the next platform. I cant do this I scream in my head ready to cry, pass out or throw up. What if I fall, what if I fail, Im not good enough. I am too scared!
But like Mike whispering behind be on that platform you can do this, you are brave enough, good enough, I love you and Im right here. Reminded that I am tethered to a support, safety line, I can do it. And even if I cant even if I stumble or cry he still loves me. and believes in me. This gives me the strength and courage I need to move forward out in to a vast nothingness. And yet I do it I grab that rope and carry myself rope to rope across to the next platform. A what a feeling of accomplishment. Maybe just maybe I can do this.
Like the support, safety line in that park, I realize I have my own built in support, safety line, A loving Heavenly Father. I have my Heavenly Father there whispering in my ear, I am here, I can help you, You ARE enough, all you have to do is ask.
I left church with butterflies knowing I had till that evening to call the Bishop and give my answer.
Going home, I fall to my knees, asking for help, guidence, maybe an answer of you don't have to do it. Instead , tears filled my eyes and I knew I could do it, I knew there was someone who needs to hear what I have to say, that maybe I can make a difference. After I got up from my knees, I knew that with the help of my heavenly father, the support of my husband, the help and support of loving parents, I can do this.
As I was lying in bed after prayers, scripture study and reading over talks, with Mike sleeping beside me. Words start to come to my mind, a flick of the switch and I start to jot them down, and so it begins.
Am I still scared oh more than anyone will ever know. Do I feel inadequate, yes. I still feel like crying, screaming or just possibly throwing up. But I will do this. I can do this. In this maybe just maybe I am enough.
If I can make a difference in one persons life, testimony or spirit. Then I am content........
