I sat  there completely unsuspecting in  Young womens.  Little did I know there was a conversation awaiting me.  One that would invite me to face one of my greatest fears.

A knock on the door,  opening it I see The ward clerk,  never would I have suspected it to be for me.

A quick smile and glance away, no he is still there, I ask are you looking for someone?  A smile and yes the Bishop would like to see you.  Thats it my heart started to race, a new calling, being released, temple prep,  what.   No he would like you to give a talk,

I swear I was going to throw up right then and there!!

I havent given a talk since primary.  What were they thinking!! They must have the wrong person, they have no Idea what a mistake this is.  I will talk to fast like  a rabbit on speed, what if my face is so red, what if I stumble or freeze.  What if the unthinkable, unspeakable horror happens.....what if I start to.......CRY!!


Now for those of you who dont know for me to stand up in public and speak, let alone in front of people I dont really know, who are so much smarter, spiritual, confident that me.  Is the ultiamte fear, I can't talk infront of people, I'm not smart enough, knowledgeable enough,  my face goes red, I want to throw up, my heart tries to fly out of my chest.  I feel paralyzed!

  That left me with the same feeling of standing 25 feet in the air, no way back only forward on these waving ropes to the next platform.  I cant do this I scream in my head ready to cry, pass out or throw up.  What if I fall, what if I fail,  Im not good enough.  I am too scared!

But like Mike whispering behind be on that platform you can do this, you are brave enough, good enough,  I love you and Im right here.  Reminded that I am tethered to a support, safety line,  I can do it.  And even if I cant even if I stumble or cry he still loves me. and believes in me.  This gives me the strength and courage I need to move forward out in to a vast nothingness.  And yet I do it I grab that rope and carry myself rope to rope across to the next platform.  A what a feeling of accomplishment.  Maybe just maybe I can do this.

Like the support, safety line in that park, I realize I have my own built in support, safety line, A loving Heavenly Father.  I have my Heavenly Father there whispering in my ear, I am here, I can help you, You ARE enough, all you have to do is ask.

I left church with butterflies knowing I had till that evening to call the Bishop and give my answer.

Going home, I fall to my knees, asking for help, guidence, maybe an answer of you don't have to do it.  Instead , tears filled my eyes and I knew I could do it, I knew there was someone who needs to hear what I have to say, that maybe I can make a difference.  After I got up from my knees, I knew that with the help of my heavenly father, the support of my husband, the help and support of loving parents, I can do this.

As I was lying in bed after prayers, scripture study and reading over talks,  with Mike sleeping beside me.  Words start to come to my mind, a flick of the switch and I start to jot them down, and so it begins.

Am I still scared oh more than anyone will ever know.  Do I feel inadequate, yes.  I still feel like crying, screaming or just possibly throwing up.  But I will do this.  I can do this.  In this maybe just maybe I am enough.


If I can make a difference in one persons life, testimony or spirit.  Then I am content........

Friends

Oh how I love that my kids are such good friends.  Do they fight, disagree, torment each other??  Of course dont we all??  I love that though they have other friends, companions, buddies they still enjoying playing, exploring and learning together!!

Jay decided to re build his star wars storm trooper helmet and incorporate one of the walkie talkies into it!! Clever boy!


After he had it all working to his satisfaction, he and Emma decided to go on an adventure......

Heading back from a walk with Tinker

The face that was left waiting.......

Happy they are back and its his turn :D

Summer

Oh how I love summer!! The happy sounds of children laughing, adventures, picnic's and water fights!

There is beauty all around when there's love at home.........

Dragon Cake

A couple of weeks ago I was asked to make a cake for a baby shower.  As they don't know the sex of the baby they call it little dragon.  I will admit I was PETRIFIED to make this cake!! It is one thing to make cakes for family they will love me anyways!!   Even if its not perfect.  But this, this one was for a girl I know and a TON of people I didn't were going to see it!! Cue panic mode!!

Throughout the week I was trying to come up with a design and idea of what the heck I was going to do. Plus work every evening.  Well 4 cakes and one 3rd degree burn later...

 I finally decided on a rectangular Black magic cake with Boston Creme filling.

Now this was by friday afternoon and I needed the cake by 6 pm saturday evening.  So whipped up the cake and filling and headed to work.  I had decided to make a dragon sleeping on the top made out of rice crispy squares covered in fondant.

By the time I got home from work Saturday morning at 12:30 am.  I realized  I had forgotten to grab the rice crispies AHHHHHHHHHHHHH now what!!

Thank heavens for my amazing wonderful supportive Husband who ran to the store at 1 am just to grab me rice crispy squares!!

Thank you Babe!! You saved my sanity!!

After 4 hours sleep, got up and the real insanity began!!  Now I am NOT a tidy baker, designer much to my poor Husband dismay! hahaa

the first layer of fondant, I added a second as it looked too lumpy

I completely forgot to get pictures of the disaster that insued.

My poor patient kids.  Picture this flour, icing sugar, pots,pans, bowls and a frazzled mom.  Fondant every where.  One that I let get the better of me across the kitchen on the floor.  Yes I will admit I threw it :D

Multiple texts to mike airing my frustration and dis satisfaction of it.  Multiple tries to get everything JUST right.  Forgot to eat and then finally............8 solid hours later.........

My amazing Husband cleaned the entire kitchen spotless for me!! Thank you my amazing family for being so patient with me :D

Now will I do this again?  Make another cake?  For now I say no.....but knowing me I wont be able to stay away............

My hobby

Let me tell you something you may not know about me, I am not a big shopper never have been.  Grocery shopping I love, I love to make wonderful things to eat, making up my own recipes and experimenting on my family.  Regular shopping...... I strongly dislike!!

One thing I have such a hard time resisting........Cook books and recipes!! Oh I love them!! I have been buying/collecting them for years and then "tweaking" them to be my own and make them better.  Well if Im honest not all of the ones I have tried to make "better" ya well thats not how they turned out!

Today I opened my cupboard and looked and I mean REALLY looked, not just opened it and grabbed something but Looked! OH MY!!! I have become a cookbook/ recipe HORDER!!  Ahhhhhhhh.  Some of them date back almost 100 years!  

And I just cant bring myself to get rid of them.  Every time I finally decide I am going to recycle all of the ones I havent looked at in years ( A lot of them!)  They get in the pile and with in ohhhhhhh 15 maybe if Im lucky half an hour.  Yep you guessed it they are right back in the cupboard!  Not only cookbooks but recipes I find in magazines, flyers, online.  

Terrible I know but really it could be worse I dont really spend money on them........It could be shoes.....or house stuff.......or clothes (Ya right).  I know I know excuses excuses.  

But when I am feeling kind of guilty about all of my recipes and cookbooks I realize this is my passion.  I truly LOVE to cook!! I love to create, to experiment.

I may not be a professional but HEY Im not bad :D

So yes I will continue to add to my collection and create....But first I am going to take all of these loose recipes and put them in a binder, and clean my cupboards.....

Oh how I love watching Mike with the kids!! The other day I was able to watch Mike helping Emma make dinner.  Ahh the laughing teasing and learning was wonderful to watch!!  Today I was able enjoy the sound of laughing teasing and again teaching as he talked and listened to Jay and Sam.  How blessed and thankful I am for such an amazing Man!!  How loved he is by his children.  I love how he makes the time to listen to them.  To play, to tease to love.

I love how he is always wanting to go out to do things, take a hike in the woods, get them involved, teach them what he knows.  Instill a sense of adventure and love of the out doors.  Teaching them the value of work.

Oh how I wish I could capture all of this on film, but always as I rush to grab the camera I end up distracting them and loosing the moment.  So for now I will be content to cherish these memories in my mind.

Stripped bare

Today I struggle.  Those 3 little words say so much.  They can mean anything.  Today I struggle.  I struggle with Me, with self confidence, self worth.  Who am I???  Some days this plagues me.  Who am I?? A Mom, Wife, cook, housekeeper, student, teacher, cashier.  I look in the mirror and all I see is a tired face, squishy body and think really!! Where is the person I feel inside??   Some days I feel confident, pretty, not so squishy.  Others I struggle.

Today, today I struggle......I question myself, am I doing all I can for my kids, my husband, my home,  people around me, friends.  Some days I question friends do I still have those?? Some days I feel lonely, like I dont measure up, that I m not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, where is that funny, warm person.  No there may not be a rhyme or reason.  No specific event, catalyst that has brought these feelings to the forefront of my mind.  

Then as I am feeling low a feeling of overwhelming love and peace will surround me and I know my Heavenly Father loves me.  And knows how I am feeling.  And in his eyes I am of infinite worth. I am beautiful.  I am enough!!

                                                        I AM ENOUGH

Some times all it takes

It was a day and by a day I mean a pull my hair out by the hand full!!  Now the other day it was a day.  A day in which we should have all slept the day away.
Over tired Mom + over tired kids= should have taken the day off!
I couldn't in all good conscience take another mental health day as we had just finished spring break  A day when it seemed like every task asked to be completed with equated with being asked to climb Mount Everest in shorts!

 To top it off Math and I have a hate hate relationship this has been like this for ohhhhh I would say going on 25 years! Yes I have tried to talk nicely to it, make friends but alas it is not to be.
Now add it trying to teach my children who have an equally hate hate relationship with this particular subject.  I try soooo hard to be patient and instill in them a love for this dreaded subject.  but no it is not to be.

Just as I am finally ready to give up and curl up in the fetal position in the corner, rocking back and forth.  Thinking to myself am I making a difference?? Are they happy?? If not why on EARTH and I doing this!? There are days I can honestly say it feels like I am beating my head against a brick wall.  Or on my knees half of it, praying for patience.     My wonderful sweet boy pipes up and says " Mom I am so glad we homeschool.  I wish we had started a long time ago.  I NEVER want to go back to public school"

Ahhhh the sun comes out.  My heart feels lighter.  They seemed to be understanding the concept more.  Was this just a different perspective, me looking at it from a quieter place?  Maybe just maybe I am making a difference, maybe they are happy and loving this adventure.  Then looking at their happy smiling faces as they race around playing I know with out a shadow of a doubt, this is where we are supposed to be, what I am supposed to be doing.

Just those few words seemed to turn the day right around.  Was it perfect, no frustrations, or aggravation for the rest of it?? No.  But I seemed to find the patience and contentment to make it through.

Will tomorrow be wonderful, easy, the kind of day I envision it to be?? Maybe, maybe not.  But that is ok, I will take it how ever it is.  I will wake up in the morning with a positive view of the day, pray for my kids understanding of their work,  And for the patience I need.

I just have to remember to take it a day at a time, some times minute to minute, second to second.

Its all about the little things

“I know it is hard for you young mothers to believe that almost before you can turn around the children will be gone and you will be alone with your husband. You had better be sure you are developing the kind of love and friendship that will be delightful and enduring. Let the children learn from your attitude that he is important. Encourage him. Be kind. It is a rough world, and he, like everyone else, is fighting to survive. Be cheerful. Don’t be a whiner.” 
Marjorie Pay Hinckley




How true!! I know I am often finding myself say something along these lines to friends who are in a relationship.  I just want to grab them by the shoulders and give them a shake and exclaim " Dont you realize that life with kids is truly so short!! That if you dont cultivate this relationship with your spouse, in  20 years you are going to roll over and wonder who is this man beside me??  What does he like?  What is there to talk about now that there are no kids at home??  Realizing you have been living two parallel lives that have nothing in common with each other.  


It breaks my heart when I hear people complaining about their spouse.  That is one of the fastest ways to find discontent with them!!  The more you focus on the negative, the little ( or big) irritants, soon that is all you are going to be able to see.  


Why oh why do people feel the need to belittle, complain and whine about their life/ partners??  It is a question that never ceases to boggle our minds.  Cant you see the damage you are doing not only to your partner but to yourself?


Marriage isn't easy!! It is not supposed to be easy it is hard work.  A journey you are on together and no journey or trip I have been on is free of pit falls and trials.  If it is something wonderful and worth while.  Then isn't it worth working at and fighting for?? 


Men remember to tell her she is beautiful, how much you appreciate how hard she works.
Women remember to show and to tell him how much you appreciate him and how hard he works for your family.  
Dont let the little things that we do when we are dating fall to the wayside.  Its the little things that help cement our relationships!!  NEVER stop telling each other how much you love them!


I know when our kids were little ( and they are by no means old LOL, just starting preteens now 0_o).  We made a "rule" that on our date nights we weren't aloud to talk about these 3 things:


1.  KIDS
2.  Money
3.  Work


What does that leave??   Well for the first few times, honestly..........Not a hole heck of alot!  Picture an awkward first date struggling to find things to say.  And really you can only talk about the weather so much :D


 There was a lot of silence, but slowly we found more and more to talk about.  Future plans, his dreams, ideas, projects, my dreams, ideas, projects, thoughts.


Do we still have silences?? Of course!! But they aren't uncomfortable.  It is so so SO easy to make our children our hole world!! They need us, love us, challenge us, on a daily basis.  They need loves, hugs kisses.  Our day is filled with touching, needing, needling, loving, laughing, teaching.  


That said, sometimes at the end of the day Hubby comes home and really for some people the last thing you want or need and anymore, touching, loving, needing.  All you want is your own space and SILENCE!!   But please please please!! Don't forget that they need love, touches and conversation too!   


WE are their best friend (or should be!!!) this is who we picked to be with for the rest of our lives and eternity!! Do you want it to be with a stranger?  Or your best friend who you still have fun with, laugh with , be serious with, play with?


PLAY!!! Oh please please please play together!! Some of my favorite memories are playing with mike!


Try and have a date night every week.  I know it sounds impossible and really if I am going to be honest...sometimes it is!
Our "date" nights lately consist of Mike staying up until 12:30 when I get home from work and just chatting with me for an hour or so.  But it is so needed just to reconnect!!


Is my marriage perfect?


BY ALL MEANS, NO!  But I think having to work for it, compromise for it and sometimes relearning what it is we love about each other, falling in love all over again. That makes a marriage stronger and happier.


Life is full of compromise, finding what works and doesn't work, continuing to grow together.  Waking up in 15-20 years and realizing your best friend, the one you want for eternity is right there beside you!!  Remember its not about giving your 50% and him making up the other 50%.  It is about each of us giving 110%


In conclusion, 


My Marriage may not be perfect but it is perfect for us!! He is my best friend and I am his!! And I wouldn't change it for anything!! 

What do you do all day??

What do you do all day???  it is a question I am asked all to often.
With the look and sometime follow up questions of:  "do you just sit around and let the kids play and call that school?"
Or WOW you home "school" with a look of disgust/ sympathy.
"how can you stand having them with you ALL the time!!"
" I love having time to do things for me"
"thats an "interesting way of doing things"
"How will they ever make friends"  "
"do you really think they are learning ANYTHING!!"
"How can you give them the life experiences they need"

I find this so amusing yet sad at the same time.  There are times I just want to grab them by the shoulders and yell "REALLY PEOPLE!!! OPEN YOUR MIND"!!! AHHHHHHHH

And other times I am tempted to play with them, like a cat with a mouse:  Oh sigh I dont know I keep them locked up all afternoon, dont let them talk to anyone (because they might brain wash my child).  I think they will learn to socialize when they are adults.  COME ON!!

Or have the sad, frazzled, slighlty manic look:  I am starting to go insane all there is is noise, noise, NOISE!!! Time to my self I cant even go to the bathroom by my self and they are all over the age of......7.  BAHAHAHAHA.

What do I do??? You ask?? Well I'll be honest sometimes.......wait for it........i'll tell you my bad bad secret.........some days I do absolutely..........NOTHING!!  And I love it, my kids love it they have a free day.  Sometimes I will have them play math, spelling or some other computer game and call it school.  GASP!!!! Call the homeschooling police!

How are my kids socialized??  Through  field trips, Friends ( gasp yes they have friends!! No not imaginary ones but real life warm blooded FRIENDS!!)

Do I miss having time to do anything and everything I wanted?? Sure but it is a choice and yes a personal sacrifice I have chosen to make for my family.

Are they happy?? YES
Well rounded, good kids?  YES dang it they are!!
Life experiences?? Well lets see, I think at times more, they are out in the community with all age groups, they are learning to do hands on things, that some may not get the chance too.
Do they do "school"?? By school do you mean learning math, socials, science, art, Language arts??  Why yes yes they are and my kids are following the same curriculum as yours GASP!


What do I struggle with?? Well I struggle with the fact that some people's oppinion of me changes when they find out I homeschool, that they think I am "weird", ruining my kids, turning them into social misfits.   how do you know?? Have you taken the time to look past societies ideal of what schooling should be??  Do you know my kids?  Were you watching when my 7 year old stood there and held open the door to the library for a bunch of seniors?  Were you there when my 12 year old Son stopped to help some one who needed it?  Where you there when my 9 year old played so well with a toddler when he tried to join in their game?

No then stop and think before you label and judge some one.

Sure it may not be for everyone,  and hey thats ok!!  Every family is different and thats what makes the world go around!!

Do I love it every minute of every day?? HECK NO!!!!  There are days I just want to pull out my hair, scream yell, stomp my feet and have a down right hissy fit!!

But the positive out weighs the negative in my house.  I love that my son who HATED to read find a love of books!  I love that my Daughter is gaining the confidence in herself, that her passion for reading is growing.  I love that my other Daughter's personality, her love for everything is still there and not stifled.

So no my days are not all sunshine, roses and dancing in fields of clover, nor are they perfect domestic peace where the house is spotless, everyone playing nicely at all times.  But it is wonderful and it is my life!!

So my question is...........What do YOU do all day?

Time away

Upper Little Quallicum Falls

Mike and I were able to run away for our anniversary weekend.  What fun, full of laughter weekend we had!!  How luck I am to be married to my best friend! Who makes me laugh daily, loves my crazy silliness and joins right in :D

Now for us going and staying in a hotel and filling our evenings and days with busy activities and people well that just isnt us.  

I had spent the day with a dear dear friend after dropping the kids off at Grammy and Grandpa's.  Now mind you  was supposed to have picked up the truck and camper from Mikes work so that I could go shopping and load everything in.......hee hee well me being me I got to busy chatting with Jen and didnt even get home till after Mike oops.  Good thing he just laughs :D

Everything loaded and off we go.  Oops forgot to go food shopping, Let me tell you do NOT go shopping when Mike is hungry lol.  Ended up out for a late late supper at 9pm.  I love that we never run out of things to talk about, laugh about, and that when there are silences they are comfortable!  I love that we aren't stuck in a rut that I see other couples in of nothing but kids, work, house stuff to talk about!!

After dinner we headed up island I wanted to go north this time!!  

We ended up in Little Quallicum falls.  WHat a beautiful place!!  I love having my camper!! We just pulled into one of the dirt parking lots and camped for the night.  Isnt it funny at home I can sleep in but  we were up by 8 am and out for a hike.....on a SATURDAY of all days :P  

How blessed we are to live in such an amazing place!! I am always so humbled by all our Heavenly Father has created for us!!

My best friend!

Mike and the Dogs

Standing on the Bridge.

After a wonderful leisurely morning.  Off we went up up up.  

We headed to Strathcona Park and decided us being us we would explore some of the logging roads :D We came across a tree hanging over the road just low enough that we couldnt get through with the camper on the truck, but does that stop Mike........lol NO!  

Happy he gets to use the chain saw and cut things down

See ya later tree..

  I must say while he was busy cutting it down and moving it off the road this popped into my head : " Cant go over, cant go under it  , cant go under it.....guess we'll go through it!! LOL so Mike :D 

After taking care of that little obstacle off we went up and up and up.  It was beautiful!!!  

The sun was beautiful and it was so warm!! We let the dogs run for a bit and just enjoyed the view.  Thinking it was about time to get some fishing in and find somewhere to camp.  As we he Down we went again into Courtney.

After talking to a gentleman at a Bait shop in Courtney ( fabulous people!).  We decided on Wolf Lake at the south end of Strathcona Park.  

What a beautiful lake!!  That night we went out and stood on the tail gate, you could see Mount Washington's ski hill glowing, the stars we incredible!!! My camera couldn't even catch the beauty of it!! What an amazing place!!

The view in the morning....takes your breath away! 

What a wonderful morning we had!!

On the way back down Island we spur of the moment we decided we wanted to go to Horne Lake to go explore the caves.  Neither of us had been in a real cave.  Sooooo excited!!!!  

What a gorgeous place!!  Thank heavens I had my hiking boots!!  Little did I realize that their was a long suspension bridge that needed to be crossed..... Now I have a horrible paralizing fear of heights and I HATE (yes that is a strong word but so apt!) suspension bridges, I am petrified they are going to break.  

But there was no way I was going to miss out on this oppertunity, experience and time with Mike.  Soooo........I did it!!! Yeayy me!! 

There are a few different options with these caves, guided tours (which were still closed), and self guided ( but only 2 caves).

So following the signs we headed up what we thought was the self guided tunnles..........up up up and a million ( on so it felt) switch backs, we get to marker 5 and hmmmmmmm still no caves, so we push on .Marker #6 there is a cave but oh lo and behold it is gated we some how made it to one of the guided caves heehehe

Back down down down we go.
Finally we make it to one of the self guided ones.  Was I a bit nervous ummmmm yes yes I was but oh so excited!!! Here are some pictures :D The cave is 136 meters.

The little waterfall.  It goes wayyyy up though

Above our heads in one part

Part of the cave

Mike at the very top!! It was high up I had to zoom way in with my camera!

Part way up the waterfall we found

More cool looking rocks. 

we came from there!! Crazy!!

Mike and I down in the tunnels 

The rocks varied from looking like big globs of melting ice cream to sharp jagged rocks.

Further back in the cave there was noooo way I was going to try and squeeze in smaller and smaller spaces!

Coming out of the cave

What an amazing experience!!  I would totally do it again!! I cant wait to go back and try the others.  THe only time I got a bit freaked out and claustophobic was when we turned off the flash lights! Now that is complete and utter darkness!!

I must say I wasnt ready to leave at all!!!

On the way back there was the suspension bridge hmm it hadnt turned into a nice solid bridge for me while we were gone.  But I did it!! AND I even skipped, jumped and made it move!!  This is huge!! LOL!!!

To top it off we went on a wonderful walk down to the river with the dogs!!

What a wonderful weekend!! Nothing could have made it more perfect!!
I love that I married my best friend, that we have so much fun together, can talk about anything, be silly with one another!!
Happy 13 year wedding anniversary Mike!! I love you more and more every day!! xox